UNDERCULTURE

This morning, in my inbox, I received a very special email. It was an email from a young Port Elizabeth woman in desperate need of help. You see, she has been accepted as one of 10 survivor finalists. And, in order to win, she needs support and votes.

Now, I don’t watch TV and I don’t follow Survivor, and I know that most of you don’t either, so why are we going to help her? We are going to help her because she’s going to do something for us.

You see, I’ve just spoken to her (this is genuine, by the way) and proposed the following:

• I will run a competition on Underculture for a phrase (It can be anything! You are urged to be creative! Provided that it’s something that they will play on TV)
• If Mariana wins and goes through to Survivor: Malaysia, she will have to utter this special phrase on live TV, no matter what it is!

As I said, I have spoken to her and she is in agreement, in fact, she was very excited! So, people, get fired up, let’s do it!

My suggestion is “My crotch is on fire! I sure wish I was a weasel.” What’s yours?

Here is her email:

HELP….(cries a little voice from the dark…)
At the age of almost 38, as if I had nothing else to do, I one night late…after some vino….entered MNET SURVIVOR: MALAYSIA to be filmed in a months time…

To make a loooong story short: next moment Kaapse SON chose me as one of their Public Choice Finalist. A week later I was the winner and a day later MNET flew me up to Jo’burg for TV Interviews, Photo SHoots, Radio Interviews etc etc…and did they entertain…and draine….me!

Now: the thing is: MNET is launching a massive campaign from Monday night (23rd of April) profiling each of the 10 Survivor Finalists of which I am the only one from the Eastern Cape (PE) ….and then it is in the public’s hands to vote me in or out!

I am also the oldest woman (38)! I am only one of four woman finalists. I would really appreciate your support in spreading the news - it would be WONDERFUL if a Port Elizabeth Contestant can be in the next MNET Survivor Series. (GRRRR…THE TRUTH….. to win the mil would just be sooooo handy!!!)

I am also a single mother of two boys, aged 6 and 8 and attending Grey, I have my own business.

PLEASE HELP ME WIN THIS! I really need the exposure as a Cape Town Newspaper chose me as the winner…so I had VERY little exposure locally. Voting closes on Sunday,30th!

The other 9 winners are getting MASSIVE exposure from their home towns…Pretoria, Middelburg Transvaal, Randburg, Pietermaritzburg, and two other from Cape Town chosen by People Magazine and YOU.

I need votes! SMS costs R2 and all that is needed is my name, Mariana, send to 34680. All 10 finalists are currently on the MNet Website after being announced Saturday Night. It is also the first time internationally that one contestant will be chosen by the public!

Vote Now! Don’t think! Send Mariana to 34680 (It’ll cost you R2). Do it! And send me your goddamned phrases!

Good
I know what I am getting youknow for his birthday! While walking through the shopping center this weekend, I saw the most awesome thing ever: a USB Hamster in a wheel and runs as you type! This just underscores what I’ve been saying all along: People who complain that science has done nothing for us is obviously retarded. I mean, a fucking USB Hamster! Holy Shit!

Bad
So, this morning I went to see a doctor (Marinus Knight) who specializes in feet and prosthetics (no, not that kind of prosthetic! I’m not that old yet). Anyway, he said he would help me with my arch problem. It sucks and its uncomfortable, but I am beginning to doubt that it’s worth seeing this guy for it. Firstly, he only spoke in the third person and entirely in rhetorical questions: “What do we know about your problem with your foot? Well, we know that…â€? Secondly, he spoke as thought he was reciting a dissertation: “As we discussed earlier, we now know that your foot is suffering from [insert medical term] which, if we can be in agreement about this means that…â€? But the real strange part was that he delivered jokes and little social asides in exactly the same voice: “So how much is this going to cost us? Well, we can look at my new car. Haha. But really, it’ll cost you [insert reasonable Rand value]…â€?

It took me several minutes to realize that a joke had been delivered at all.

Now, I understand that doctors are not professional comedians and that they can be nervous with new patients but still… God knows, he’s probably an excellent doctor and I’m sure that I’ll get awesome treatement, but I just kept looking over my shoulder, trying to find the teleprompter he was surely reading off of.

Ugly
I am not the kind of man to ever really pay attention to the prices of things. I am certainly not the kind of man to even price compare. So I have real trouble understanding those people who go to the shopping centers with their newspaper pull-outs of specials and coupons. It is something that strikes me as particularly demeaning. And I am forced to ask if it really saves that much. If it did, why isn’t everyone doing it? Am I missing something? But, hey, I’ve never even looked at those pull-outs. So, who am I to judge…

On a completely different note, there’s this Port Elizabeth-focused forum and site called MyPe. Now, I won’t get stuck into the meat of the contents of that site (my opinions would fill up a vast number of pages), but I do want to ask: Why are they using penises as a ranking mechanism on the forums? I mean, really? Guys? Penises?

Sure, some people have told me it’s the Campanile, but I know better. If you don’t believe me, go see for yourself (like here for example) but don’t come crying to me that you saw an entire forum of little penises! I warned you!

The Celibacy Report
Ladies, girls, women and tramps: This is unacceptable! You’re even worse than the guys! Last week, in The Celibacy Report, I proudly offered you a hot, level-headed and employed young man who is, for all intents and purposes, a very available and very eligible bachelor. More than that, he is a good friend of mine and therefore comes with Underculture’s Seal of Approval.

But, in case that wasn’t enough, I threw in a FREE DATE! And how many replies and queries do I get? One! Disgusting!

Next time a single one of you women complain to me that you can’t meet a nice guy, I’m going to scream “Filthy Jezebel! You deserve to die alone!� at the top of my voice and in your face.

I’m going to give you the opportunity to redeem yourselves for one more week. Better hustle-up, ladies! The clock is ticking!

Good
We played Paintball again, yesterday. The place where we normally go to, Paintball Heaven, has now moved to Victoria Drive. It features new awesome courses. It is cleaner, more accessible and more professional. It was a real pleasure playing there. Thanks to everyone who made it, especially to those that played for the first time: Pauline and Renaud.

There was also an Easter Weekend of some sort since I last wrote a PE Report. I can’t remember what I did except that I did go to Castro’s and drank tequila. Business as usual if you ask me. Do people still celebrate the whole Son of God died on a cross and came back to life stuff? And are they still the same people that give me a hard time because I like zombies? Who knows?

Bad
Apparently my feet have got this think called arches and, according to the cute lady doctor that treated me, while walking my dogs, I managed to mangle one of them seriously enough to force me to wear weird shoe things. I suppose that I must get to the doctor sometime and get that fixed. I hate stupid injuries.

I didn’t even get a cool story or nasty scar, like if I were hit in the head, mauled by a Panda Bear or run over by a car.

I just get injured walking my dogs. I’m embarrassed.

Ugly
I was meant to partake in a Toastmasters speech competition tonight (well, technically, two) but that’s not going to happen. It’s not going to happen because, as usual, the instructions were confused. So, instead of two contestants going through, we’ve got one. Thanks for letting us know in advance! I could have prepared a speech, damn it!

I don’t actually blame the Toastermasters People in Charge ™, they’re actually nice guys. I just blame the system of volunteer committees: it takes intelligent, clever and able people and turns them into red-tape chasing accountants.

It’s like communism and female orgasms: it works well in theory but is useless in practice.

The Celibacy Report
Alright, you lazy bastards, there was nary a response to my offer of a free date with a hot woman. You guys should be ashamed. Let’s see a better response from the ladies.

Our new contestant is a strapping young man. He is thirty-ish, good looking and well-groomed. He washes and has a job. Now, which one of you ladies wants to win a FREE DATE (paid for entirely by Underculture) with this young man? All you have to do is answer the following 5 questions:

1. What do you think about steak and blowjob day?
2. I like my men like I like my coffee… ?
3. When someone calls my man a sissy-girl, I… ?
4. Is it possible for a man to want too much sex?
5. There’s one way to a man’s heart and it is… ?

Good
Well, congratulations must go to Morna who got married late last month. I wish them both the best for the future. And, while I am at it, let me wish Gayner and Adam both a happy birthday.

Also, there was a rejoining of The Caucus on Friday, for the first time in several years. The Caucus is ridiculous organization of drunken miscreants to which I have no affiliation. Their nefarious plan, as far as can coherently state it, is to take over the world but, in reality, all they seem to do is drink and make up stories about women. I have been forbidden from naming the members of The Caucus, but they know who they are *cough* renaudstevekeithjohn *cough* It ended predictably with vomiting and the screaming of “pussy� in the middle of the street outside the Go-Go Lounge. I, for one, find it a comforting thought that their plans to take over the world may never be completed.

Saturday saw some absolutely beautiful weather in PE again, and we took the opportunity to go swimming at Shark Rock Pier. There, I was unfavorably compared to a seal due to my grace in the water and love of the sea. But I didn’t mind too much because I got to see a Londoner try and body-surf. I was not unlike watching an octopus having a fit.

Bad
Last week, I had the misfortune of driving past a vehicle with the words “Renassance Construction� proudly emblazoned on the rear. Renassance? Fucking Renassance? Holy fucking illiterate retards, Batman. I don’t know what upsets me more: that all that the high-point of Western culture represented is being mangled by a-historical idiots who are too lazy to use a fucking dictionary, or that these acephalous individuals don’t think that anyone cares.

Don’t people look up from their eat-and-fuck lives and just ask themselves: “Hey, where did I come from? How rich and meaningful is my history? How do other people live and think?� One look at how popular 300 is, and I know my answer. I weep.

Ugly
For fuck’s sakes, people! Tracksuits are not casual street wear! Tracksuit pants are not magical clothes that transform your 180 waddling kilos into the lean figure of an athlete! Just because you have a little Nike swish on your shinny tracksuit bottoms, that does not give you license to sport a aerodynamic mullet! Please, please, take care to chose what you wear when you step out of your house as it’s the rest of us that have to look at you and your moustached wife.

Yes. As you can gather, I ended in Greenacres over the weekend again.

The Celibacy Report
Please refer to last week’s Celibacy Report to find out what this is all about. This week’s candidate is a charming and very attractive woman (she really is, actually). In order to win a date with her (paid for by Underculture!), all you have to do is impress me with your answers to the following 5 questions (you can email or post your responses):

• If you had to walk in and find our candidate swimming in a tub of fudge, you would… ?
• What can you do that’s amazing but you can’t show people in public?
• Do you think that it’s possible for a woman to want too much sex?
• Is your name Johnny Depp?
• What’s the best thing to do on a Sunday morning?

And… Go!