UNDERCULTURE

For too long, on the pervious site, I had been too lazy to give Grant his proper place in the sun. I’d never really tried to give him a whole page, article or post. And that is bad. That’s bad because he’s fucking good. This is one talented man (I own three of his paintings). So, in order to rectify the glaring error, here are his works in their shinning glory.

Polyphemus in Love

Pablo’s Bride

I’ve forgotten what this one is called. Shit.

Wait until your Father gets home

The Madonna of Prince Street

I have been in error.

For many years of my life I have been denigrating and laughing out loud at the very concept of Karma. Recently, however, several events have made me change my mind. I am proud to say that I have finally joined the ranks of the millions of beleivers in Karma.You see, Karma, for those of you who are not enlightened is the belief that good deeds and virtues are rewarded and that transgressions and evil acts are punished. This is bit like having a spiritual Batman to kick your ass every time you commit a crime. It’s simple, intuitive and logical. It has an inherent logic that is embraced by all religions (except the Norsemen but, let’s face it, they were so cool, they didn’t Karma).

Recently, I received an email promising me good fortune, good health and a happy life if I read it and passed it on. I did. I mean I did get it all: good fortune, good health and a happy life simply by forwarding an email. I was impressed but filled with questions: why did I receive good fortune, good health and a happy life? How did this simple act of forwarding an email cause such a tremendous alteration in my fate and karmic destiny?

And then it hit me: of course! By forwarding the very powerful and special email onto other people, I was being generous and giving. I wasn’t selfishly keeping the email to myself – I was evangelising the power of good will and I found myself rewarded by a benevolent universe. It was that simple.

Karma had, with a single email, become a significant force in my life and one that I am ashamed to have mocked all these years.

But was it enough? You see, karma is a force of nature and it is as much about rewarding good acts as it is punishing the bad ones. And this got me pondering all the evil and horrible things I have done in my life. There are many and I am scared. How can I escape my Karmic punishment? How could I tap into the power of the internet and email to restore my Karmic balance and save my wretched hide? Luckily, a solution was found… My website.

You see, I am more fortunate than most (even before the email) and I am not like the millions of poor lonely, sad men out there who will probably die without ever touching, let alone seeing the pert, strong body of a young woman, or the bountiful breasts of a nubile young lass. Theirs is the sad life. But we can help them! And, at the same time, thanks to the Karmic laws, help ourselves! That’s right! Here is a chance for everyone to help each other out, and ensure good fortune! And this is what you have to do:

• If you are an attractive young woman (older than 19, younger than 35) send me a photo of yourself with as little clothing as possible (i.e. none). If you are an ugly woman, or are older than 35, or are a man, take a photo of an attractive female friend (see criteria above).
• Send me the photo and I will put it up on my website for everyone to see.
• I will guarantee you good fortune, good health and a long happy life, as well as money and joy and love (You could even win the lottery!)! *
• The more photos of you and your attractive friends you can send, the more good fortune, good health, long and happy lives (You could even win the lottery!) I can guarantee.

(*)As I am not in charge of the exact Karmic balance and amounts, this may not necessarily occur in your lifetime, and this may not be in the quantities expected. What I can tell you, though, is that it will help your Karma… Remember all those lonely men out there… Do it for them.And I promise, on my Karmic balance, that is is not some cynical attempt to get some random women to email me naked pictures of themselves. I have turned over a new leaf. I just want to cash in on my Karma, and help the world! What could be more noble than that?

Ladies, I await you firmly.

What is this about? It is about this site.

I must be honest, I haven’t spent much time on the site. It is awkward to navigate, unattractive (what’s with the puke-orange background? Not like my beautiful ochre backdrop at all), and features a distinct lack of bouncing, nubile women. It’s not at all my cup of tea.

Nevertheless, it seems to have pissed off my trusty assistant, Mumble Boy. Duty dictates that I come to Mumble Boy’s defence, and make some sort of half-arsed attempt at offering a counter point.

Let’s start with him:

He states that “this web page will provide international tourists with a preview of death and violence in South Africa. That will assist them in making a safe decision before boarding a plane to South Africa. A decline in international tourists (including Soccer 2010 tourists) will serve as a warning to the South African leadership to clean up their act and address the 20000 annual murder statistics.”

Now, why would he do that? Is he genuinely worried about all the safety of the tourists? We can assume not. If he was, we would expect some practical tips of a more global nature, such as including advice on dealing with wildlife, protection from the skin-cancer causing sun (a really big problem in Africa), and the likes. No, it is clear that his agenda is not really the safety of the tourists.

So, to uncover his agenda, let us dig deeper. He could be motivated to reduce crime. That is, after all, a laudable endeavor and one well worth admiration and support.

But, wait a minute! Isn’t crime directly linked to self-esteem and, most importantly of all, poverty (one of a thousand link supporting this claim). So, why would he actively preventing cross-cultural exchanges, growth in the tourism industry, and the massive cash injection that the FIFA world cup will bring? Why would he undermine the very things that would bring stability and reduce criminal behavior? He certainly can’t be motivated by wanting to reduce crime, unless he is very, very misguided or completely fucking retarded (hypothesis I).

So, with the fact that he is interested in neither saving tourists or reducing crime, we are left with very few motives. He is quite adamant that he doesn’t want tourists here, and says so quite plainly. And, so I am left with only a few possible hypothesis:

Hypothesis II: He wants all the delicious South African beer and food, and hot South African women for himself. I thought about this possibility but I don’t think anyone would be stupid enough to take on Charlize Theron and SAB (see hypothesis I).

Hypothesis III: He is motivated by a political agenda, and like many “old-school” South Africans wishes to discredit the current South African government so that his privileged white ass stays privileged and cared for by his poverty line black house-keeper. But that can’t be right either. If it was, his site would be filled with attacks on the government.

Oh, wait, it is.

And now onto me:

I am not a South African. I am Belgian. And like an enormous amount of foreigners, I have discovered just how wonderful, awesome, beautiful, friendly and great this place is. I am a tourist who loves this place so much, I have become a resident.

My family, and friends of the family come over here on a regular basis. They love it. In the last 20 years that I have spent here, and that my family and I have been entertaining visitors and foreigners, how many of them have been attacked? None. Not one. Not one in over a hundred.

How many times have I been attacked? 2 How many times have I been attacked in Europe? 3

Conclusion?

Yes. South Africa does have a high crime rate. No-one is disputing that. Is this site and similar fear-mongering helping? No. Especially when it is perpetuated by politically-ignorant, knee-jerk old-school South Africans. His site has been judged and found wanting. Maybe he can start a fund for the police instead, or do some community work.