UNDERCULTURE

(This was a failed attempt at impresing Jay Pinkerton. It went down like a ton of bricks. In retrospect I can see why)

Dear Stupid Fat Bitch,
I recently got retrenched three weeks ago. I have been leaving the home in the morning and sitting in my car since then. I am scared of telling my wife that we’re unable to meet the house- and car-repayments. I don’t know what she will do once she finds out I haven’t got any money coming in. I’ve looked for a new job but there’s nothing in the paper. I’m going to be evicted and lose my wife is something doesn’t chance soon. Please help! - Jobless in Denver

Well, Mister, that sounds like quite a pickle. What you should do is follow the advice of that 80’s Icon (I’ve forgotten is name but, hey, that’s got to happen to anyone who remembers the 80s! ha-ha) and “Don’t worry be happy!� Worrying is not going to get you anywhere. What you need to do is fix your attitude and start thinking positively. Remember: winners never quit and quitters never win. I am sure that you can start a thriving business in no time if you just apply yourself and ask yourself: “What would Bill Gates do?� and you’ll find the ideas flowing in no time.

As to your wife, I say: tell her. Remember that love is more than just money and material goods. In all the great romantic comedies, they love each other no matter how much money they had or didn’t have. Imagine where Richard Gere would be if he thought Julia Roberts was too poor for him! So, tell your wife and if she leaves you just remember that it wasn’t true love then and it wasn’t meant to be. But here’s a little hint: bring her some chocolate and you give her the bad news. A little chocolate goes a long way to making everything seem alright.

Dear Stupid Fat Bitch,
I hope that you can help me. I have been married to my husband for 15 years now. I discovered a while back that he has a serious drinking problem. I’ve learned how to deal with it and he is really trying to clean his act. He does occasionally fall off the wagon, but one’s got expect that every now and then. It mostly happens around payday.

Just when I thought that we’d gotten that into control, I recently found him in our daughter’s bed touching her ‘down there.’ He said he’d kill me if I told anyone about his ‘special time’ with our daughter. He says that its harmless bonding between parent and child but I’m worried that its more serious than that. What should I do? - Worried In Seattle

Dear WIS,

What you must first come to terms with is that children are like little angels. They are innocent and perfect and they come into this world to tell us God’s will. You see, each child, before it is conceived chooses its parent and family and comes to join them for a season, a reason or a lifetime (Isn’t that an adorable saying? I read it on a chocolate box). And that means that your little precious daughter chose to be in your household, knowing full-well what lay in her father’s heart. She knows, in her soul at least, that she is there to help your husband through his drinking problem. Her precious soul, with God’s blessing, chose to be in a situation where her father hurts her. Bless her. That, at least, should help you come to terms with that is happening and let you be at peace with God’s plan.

What does worry, however, is the aggressive tone of your email, which point to a lot of anger towards your husband. Is it possible that you are jealous of the attention that he gives to your daughter? I would even go as far as to suggest that you resent her youthful and obviously attractive figure. If I were you, I’d hit the gym and try and get your husband’s attention back the good old-fashion way.

Dear Stupid Fat Bitch,
I am in Grade 6. I have the most wonderful teacher in the world. He is handsome and funny and he is still single! Most of the time, I dream and think about him. This is love. I know it. My friends at school tease me and things haven’t been the same at home since dad left. My mom cries most of the time and it’s not really fun. I know that God has given me true love to make up for all the bad things that have happened. I do get very shy around him. What do you think I should do? - Love at First Sight

Dear young LAFS,
It is beautiful to see that true romance is not dead. I am so happy for you! Isn’t it wonderful the way that God looks after each and every one of us? Letters like yours remind me of what it is like to be young and to know that you have so much happiness and joy ahead of you. But first, we must get over your shyness and for that I have three simple rules: Do it big, do it now and do it boldly.

Often shy people are just shy about the little things, and when they get involved with big projects they tend to become less shy. So, my recommendation is to make a large public announcement, preferably in front of all those girls that tease you so they’ll know to leave you alone in the future, and bring lots of balloons and flowers. Think Hollywood-ending! I just know that once he sees the big displays and how much effort you’ve put into your budding relationship, he’ll just melt.

And don’t forget to write to me and tell me about that oh-so-exciting first kiss!

I live in a sleepy little town on the Southern Coast of South Africa, called Port Elizabeth. It is nestled between some flat, arid hills and a sweeping coastline. Some of you may have heard of it and some of you may have even passed through it! (It is on the high-way between The Cape of Good Hope and Durbanville). It is known for its export of salt, its large manufactures, the fact that it’s on the road to The Cape of Good Hope, and its holy-fucking-shit-I-got-sand-in-my-eye Gale-force winds.

Almost all of the people from Port Elizabeth are friendly and full of helpful advice. But don’t think that everyone is quiet and reserved! We can get up to quite a bit of fun and mischief when the urge strikes us (like the one time when Jonathan hid and pretended he’d gotten lost in the woods. People still laugh about that one)!

Nevertheless, despite all of that, many people don’t understand the attraction for living here, and I have heard a lot of foreigners tell me that this town doesn’t have very much to offer (especially for the young people). So I have taken it upon myself to correct these misconceptions and show you, the public, what a fun and thriving place Port Elizabeth really is! It is a fun and lively place with many, many modern and up-to-date facilities and night-time activities. In fact, I have even been told that there are night-time coffee shops and places where young people are sometimes known to dance at a brisk pace! That certainly sounds like fun!

I know that it is not merely good enough to tell you how wonderful this place is, I needed to show you. It is why, this last weekend, I abandoned my regular find-a-boy-on-the-street-and-hump-his-little-arse-Saturday activity, cancelled my bible-reading class, delayed my bed time, and travelled to the centre of town to see, for myself, what Port Elizabeth has to offer the young people today. But I was not prepared for what I saw. The pace and miracles of modern life was almost too much for me!

I arrived at the Ale-House bright and early and it was already filled with Port Elizabeth’s hip-and-happening crowd. There was merriment and even music!	I ended up being seated at a table with this terrifying gentleman. He did not give me his name and, for some reason, felt it necessary to smack me across the cheek repeatedly. I tried to ease the tension by offering oral sex but that only seemed to make him more belligerent.
The service offered at this particular night-spot was impeccable. There had many attractively attired wenches wondering about serving wine, and holding the customary blood-filled spit-cups for the guests.	A regular to this night-spot, this gentleman and his naked dwarf escort, wore only the latest fashion to impress the ladies. Here he is seen wearing a hooded garb and bull-testicle leather coat.
The music was entertaining and up-beat, featuring many a popular ditty and sing-along popular themes. In this photo, one of the young men jumps about enthusiastically to the violin and accordion.	The entertainment was top notch and called upon great audience-participation. Without a doubt, though, the most popular event was the feces-flinging. This young participant managed to clear thirty feet alone.
The food that was made available was healthy and filling. I, like the gentleman here, chose the skewered horse-penis and pig-cheek.	See! Port Elizabeth has much to offer to the single men out there! Our table was soon joined by two ladies, one of which entertained us with a vivid description of the vicious rash that she had contracted. Apparently, it makes her hair fall out in viscous patches.
I was quite shocked at the degenerate habits of the young people of Port Elizabeth, though. Back in my days, you would never have found someone smoking out in public! Let alone two cigarettes! Luckily, there were no impressionable children about. I reprimanded them sternly.	Visitors to our city often tell me that we are behind the times in terms of clothing and fashion. Nothing could be further from the truth, as this picture of one of the pretty young women clearly demonstrates.
Here I am, enjoying the pleasures of the table, with one of the young women, shortly before returning to my home. She proved to be quite a fighter, and still speaks to me from my basement prison.

A fair number of people have, over the last couple of months, sapped my will to live by comparing The Lord of the Rings movies and the Harry Potter movies. These people are morons. You see, in order to compare two or more things, they must have something in common. Without any common point the comparison is an exercise in futility. That has never stopped morons, though.

So, what do these movies have in common that prompted these people to make such stupid comparisons? Let us see. One of the movies is an intelligent, gripping cinematic masterpiece, while the other is a meandering and plot-less piece of advertising about gay school children waving bits of wood in the air. The one appeals to our higher faculties through complex plots and universal themes, the other tries to cash in by asking us “what would happen if the Hardy Boys were in a wizard school?”.

As far as I can see, they are both movies. That’s the full extent of the comparison. That’s it. Morons.