UNDERCULTURE

You know, I’ve been looking at this picture below for over 20 minutes now. I still don’t know what to say. I am speechless. I thought of writing a clever and witty article, but then I remembered that I couldn’t do that even if I tried. So I thought of writing a stupid article, all about buying ass muffins. And, now that it comes to it, I can’t.

All that I can say is that this is a genuine wrapper. I have the real, very real thing in my hands. I bought a muffin from a shop (well, two actually). But, apparently, they weren’t the blueberry kind advertised…

No. I can’t do this. It is still staring me in the face. Ass. Muffin.

I enjoy games, board games, role-playing games, computer games, you name it. I was not fortunate enough to have a well-rounded childhood that entitled me to put away childish things. I blame my parents. But, fuck it, I like games. Playing games beats the shit out of reading Moobie the Sodomizing Cow (see picture). And I, for one, am happy and recommend that more people play games. It’d keep them off the streets and would probably reduce the likelihood of being rear-ended by farm animals.

Time to play is sacred. I have fun gaming and I’m quite serious about it all, which is why I believe that there are some people who shouldn’t play games at all. For those kind of anal retentive fuckers and sore losers, I suggest nothing short of a full lobotomy. Most importantly, though, there are those that shouldn’t role-play at all; people who have so little imagination they are incapable of dealing with a metaphor, let alone a complex interaction in an imaginary world. Luckily for those people, there’s still the new D20 and ADD system. Yes, I am quite aware that this is an unfair generalization, people with imagination but no social skills can also play those games. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the systems are at fault. I’m merely pointing that the morons that have attempted to follow one of our game and couldn’t, ended having meaningful gaming life with new the AD&D system.

Where does all this angst and bitterness come from? Well, that’s a fair question. It comes from having to role-play with morons. Morons who think that the only purpose behind role-playing is to gather XP and have better statistics than the other players (they know who they are). It also comes from having to deal with people who are abnormally fucking insecure and selfish. So much so that they believe that the role-playing session should be dedicated to their own unhinged personas - screw the others. Luckily, I know I won’t be dealing with her anymore.

As has been mentioned in a couple of other places on this site, I’ve been role-playing for a number of years. And, recently, I’ve been accused and harassed by a nostalgic friend of mine berating me for ignoring the beginning of it all: the days of high adventure with Tharador McAbre, Faustus Nox, and Derack Lightbringer. [sigh] In view of these well-placed guilt-attacks, I have put together this page. I will add more stuff to it, when I get to it. But, if anyone has any suggestions or details they would like to forward (hmm, Bruce?), I beseech them to do so. I am also planning to scour my archives and cupboards for images and bric-a-brac from the past. In the meantime, please look over these rediscovered gems:

Expert Set: This module came free with the Expert Set. It scared players, as every DM thought it was their sworn duty to take them through an obviously rehashed ‘Treasure Island’. This was back in the days, of course, when T-Rexes had penises shaped like warriors… D&D Character Sheets

Character Sheet: You knew you were a dedicated role-player (i.e.: had no life to speak of) when you spent good arcade-game money buying the official D&D character sheets. For some fucked-up reason, TSR had decided that bright orange was the best color for character sheets. I’ve still to sue them for permanent retinal damage.

Dungeons and Dragons: Dungeons and Dragons, for those of you who are not familiar with the fascinating nerd world of role-playing, is the grandfather of them all fantasy games. This is the Dungeons and Dragons Basic Set Player’s Manual. This was the portal to role-playing for any boy in the 80’s. You weren’t anyone unless you owned a copy.

Star Frontiers: Star Frontiers was a hideous game in so many ways, I don’t know what to call it. This is an advert for it. Even the flying aliens (Yozarians, I do believe) were retarded. In this game you could pretend you were in Star Trek, except without your testicles.

RPGA: I can’t believe that, once upon a time, I was envious of the members of the RPGA. Or, as they put it: “in the arena of the most avid role players”. In retrospect I’m glad I wasn’t and managed to retain a modicum of coolness.

Sigh.

This is the time of the year that I know what it means to be alive. St. Valentine’s Day! An entire day dedicated to Romance, Love, and joy.

I love this day. Don’t you?

I love the fact that you can smell spring in the air (I know that it’s really autumn but you can’t fool the old internal clocks! Ha-ha). I love the fact that whenever I switch on my TV and open my local newspaper, I am reminded that my passions are ablaze, and it’s time for some good old-fashioned courting. I love the magic in all the shops, as the Christmas decorations come down to be replaced by little weapon-wielding winged babies.

It is truly a magical time of the year, and you’d have to be a truly depressed, bitter loser not to feel the same.

Oh, you know who I’m talking about. We all know someone like that: embittered and lost individuals who heap scorn and derision on everything that St. Valentine’s Day stands for. On the good side of things, they are few and far between (because, let’s face it, t takes a special kind of hate to hate love). They are just too miserable and embittered to be loved. I’ve met a few and (trust me!) they deserve to be alone because they are, for the most part, complete losers. I mean: do the math: what kind of pathetic hateful person couldn’t find a single person to love them amongst the 3 billion (that’s a 3 with lots of zeroes) potential mates out there? On St. Valentine’s Day of all days? Even the old beggar who harasses me and gets removed by security has someone to love on St. Valentine’s Day! (I saw her sleeping peacefully in a pool of vomit next to his cardboard box. Boy! Did she smell! But love is blind. Isn’t it wonderful?).

But, ugly exceptions aside, everyone feels like I do, don’t you?

St. Valentine’s Day is a happy day and a happy time! I don’t know what you love about this day, but I really enjoy the fact that everything becomes romantic and special. All around you musicians and writers are breaking their backs to share their special gifts with you. Through them, you can find a commercially available card or song that says exactly what you wanted to say: that you think she’s a hot little number, or that you’d love to get some head? And you know what the best part is? This is the only time of the year you are not forbidden from playing the field. In fact, it’s mandatory! I mean, wow, how cool is that? You are compelled to send that beautiful “I want to take you from the behind like an animal because I love you” message to as many people as possible!

Of course, one must be careful: most women like to pretend that they’re ladies and so don’t take too nicely to a little straight-forward message. That is the reason why you must be romantic (like me). So, chose a playful and cute card, or maybe even treat them to a romantic dinner, or a movie. It is money well-spent (Trust me!) because they simply can’t say no on St. Valentine’s day. And, if you’ve played your cards right, they’ll be nicely wet and ready to go! Tah-Dah! Instant True Love in the back of the car!

Ahhh… L’Amour!

But, in case you’re feeling a little shy, or you think that lil’ ol’ Cupid’s passed you by, follow my ten-steps to a perfect Love-filled St. Valentine’s Day:

The St. Valentine’s Day Dating Guide

• Remember the golden rule: “No” means “yes”
• Chicks get off on the smell of a man, so don’t wash before your date and get those pheromones out there.
• Women really admire power and confidence, be sure to belittle everyone you see around you.
• Broads love compliments, so be sure to compliment her on her ass or rack
• Always order aphrodisiac foods, like oysters and celery. Be sure to eat them as suggestively as possible.
• Contrary to what the feminist press likes to say: size does matter. Refer to your dick size often.
• Set up two or three dates, just in case the one falls through. That way you’re guaranteed of some action.
• Women love to get drunk, so remember to order Spirits for her
• Gold chains and baggy pants never go out of fashion
• It is always good to make your date feel insecure and jealous, be sure to flirt with the waitresses or any other cute thing around

I inhabit the den of Chaos called Port Elizabeth, in South Africa.

I like it here enough to have put this page together. Port Elizabeth has become my home away from home. It grows on you like some insidious fungus despite being overrun by some of the most unrefined and ugly people. All the more so because these same morons are too dull and slow-witted to realize what a wonderful, beautiful and marvelous place this is.

But that’s not too uncommon because, for some bizarre reason, a lot of people don’t like Port Elizabeth (PE). The most common complaint is that it’s too small (from the same people that complain that nightclubs are too crowded), or too boring. There is also the complaint that there is nothing fun to do. These, for some bizarre reason, expect entertainment to be provided for them. Why? Are they too stupid to entertain themselves? Do that need someone to wipe their asses too? They are inbred weasels.

The way I see it, every location is shit. You just have to choose a flavor that you like and, if PE or any other place doesn’t suit you, well, fucking move and stop trying to ruin it for the rest of us, stupid!

If you like beaches and water sports, drinking in the sun and playing pool with friends then you should like this town. And, lastly, Port Elizabeth doesn’t seem to be filled with self-important assholes (bar myself). The only real wankers we are subjected to can be found in publications.

Also, the culture here is interesting to say the least, considering how most of the people speak (I know I shouldn’t make files like this available, or at least acknowledge where I got it from (I would, actually, if I could, but I just got it as a mail attachement. If anyone has any comments or notes, please let me know.)

Recently, and on a completely unrelated note, I’ve been privileged to deal with Project Maximum Impulse. I like them. These crazy fuckers are trying to build a rocket on two wheels to break the world land speed record for two-wheel vehicles. You can read more about it here. Anyway, this is what they’re trying to get people to ride in: