UNDERCULTURE

I just received another one of those ‘get to know your friends’ emails and I thought it would be a wonderful idea to put it on my website! How cool! So, check it out! Watch out world: get to know the real me!

Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here’s what you’re supposed to do…..and try not to be LAME and spoil the fun! Just give in. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all of all the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know *INCLUDING* the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. It is fun and easy. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

What is your full name
Overlord Khan the Bloody

What colour pants are you wearing?
Aha! I’m not wearing any pants!

What are you listening to?
The beautiful melodic screams of my tortured minions over a backdrop of Beck - Loser

What are the last 4 numbers of your phone number?
What else? 6664

What was the last thing you ate?
The soul of a Spice Girl

If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
The olive green one that no-one ever uses and just sits there in the box until the entire fucking box is filled with the crappy pink, horrible browns and stupid olive green ones. And what the hell are you going to draw in brown, pink and olive green?

How is the weather right now?
There is a rain of fire and blood. Pools of boiling vomit bubble around me spewing toxic gases into the air.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Your mom. Drum roll.

The first thing you notice about members of the opposite sex?
The smell of their crotch.

How are you today?
Evil and overlordish, in an evil overlord kind of way.

Favourite Drink?
The blood of a young, tender, prepubescent child, still brimming with innocence and joy. Failing that, a vodka will do.

Favourite alcoholic drink?
Tea.

Hair Colour?
Snakes.

Eye Colour?
Yellow.

Do you wear contacts?
Yes. The last three contacts I made failed me! I had them skinned alive! I am now wearing their skins as my cloak. Notice how the gloves still have the eyes on!

Favourite Month?
December

Favourite Food?
Horses, Dogs and Snails

Favourite Day of the Year?
1 April

Favourite Flower?
Virginity

Summer of Winter?
Winter. The great winter that will cover the earth in a second darkeness! Bwah-ha-ha-bwah-ha-ha

Hugs or Kisses?
Kisses! No, I’m just kidding: hugs

Relationships or one-night stands?
Whatever I tell them to be

Chocolate or vanilla?
Personally, I like chocolate-fudge ice-cream with a decorative finger stuck in

Do you want your friends to write back?
Friends are to be destroyed and eaten

Who is the most likely to respond?
Cuthulhu. He has nothing else do to but answer email.

Who is least likely to respond?
Eric the Bloody, who’s hands I just broke

Living Arrangements?
In a palace of Sin and Delightful pleasures, filled with felating demonettes

What book(s) are you reading?
The book of the damned. Who is going to Heaven and who is visiting me? Hey! That’s your name!

What’s on your mouse mat?
A big picture of Garfield. That silly cat!

Favourite card game?
52 Pickup

What did you do last night?
Sat under your bed, whispering dark thoughts until you went to sleep

Favourite smells?
Blood, Vomit, Bile, and Freshly cut grass, and flowers

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
There is not a part of my body I cannot touch with my tongue

What inspires you?
The struggles of a doomed victim

Sweet, buttered, plain or salted popcorn?
Salted, preferably with the tears of the innocent

Favourite car?
A chariot made entirely out of human organs

Favourite flower?
The giant man-eating venus deathtrap from Althasia

Can you juggle?
What are six arms for, if not juggling?

Favourite day of the week?
Sundays

Red or white wine?
Red, of course

What did you do for your last birthday?
Bathed

Do you carry a donor card?
No, but I carry an organ donor

Lifetime goals?
To destroy that accursed Flash Gordon! Catch him you fools! He’s getting away! Hurry you dolts! No! Not the Laser! Noooo!

This wasn’t so impressive, nor nearly as side-splittingly funny as it could be. I know that better can be done. Do you think you can do better? Send in your submissions and we shall see!

I hastily drew this dragon for a friend. I then ‘watercolored’ it heavily in Photo-Paint.	I started to do portraits of all the Runequest Characters, but, alas, I never got further than Trey. I really like the Manga-esque feel to it.
This is a small doodle I sketched other the 2002 New Year. I was toying with a Goblin warrior concept. This was done in ballpoint on lined paper.	Grimheim is one of my dwarven warlord/priests. This was part of a series of experiments with inks and washes.
A small, but unfinished sketch of Trey, done in ballpoint.	This is another character pencil sketch. This one is of Thorgal Uruknurrunson, a Lossoth warrior from Robert’s MERP game.
This is one of the many character sketches that adorn my character sheets. This image is of Günter, a WFRP wannabe Witch-hunter.	One of the many war games out at the farm featuring some righteous dwarfish ass-kicking

Last week, I received the usual bunch of neo-spam in my mail box (Spam, of course, being unsolicited emails, and neo-spam being real-world paper crap). It is sort of validating receiving it because, well, it means that someone, somewhere, thinks that I’m still alive. And that is always a reassuring thought.

Anyway, back to the tale: In these papers, unsolicited adverts, subscribed-to magazines and not-subscribed-to magazines, I encountered a wonderful collection of vapid, content-free media bullshit and didn’t pay any more heed to it. Until I encountered this:

Now, I am still young and so, quite obviously, I don’t know everything but I knew this much: this picture was… well… was fucked up. I mean, just look at this guy! What the fuck was the advertising company trying to do? What in the blue Hells was their message?
“It pays to use the best brains in the manufacturing business… OR DIE!” or
“It pays to use the best brains in the manufacturing business, or we tell this guy you screwed his wife” or even:
“It pays to use the best brains in the manufacturing business… and we will eat your children”

I don’t know. All I do know is that picture scares me. I’ve met a fair number of intelligent people, people who are, for all intents and purposes “The best brains in the business” and they don’t look like this gentleman. In fact, they are quite the opposite. The more I look at this picture, the more creeped out I become. All I can see in the picture is an angry worker saying “I will fuck you up.” I you don’t believe me, look at the eyes… I mean it… Look at them… Look…

Scared? You should be… The fact that you’re looking at this means that someone in the advertising world thought: “This scary-looking bearded man is exactly what we need to represent intelligence and good business sense.” And if that doesn’t work we can always scare the fuck out of them.

I’m off to curl up into the fetal position and cry now…